(AstroTwins’ note: We got a flood of reader responses to our recent post “Are Scorpio men notorious cheaters?” which prompted us to go there again.)
Oh, Tiger Woods. You were such an upstanding guy, a role model and a multiculti trailblazer. You had the honorable traits that make us love Capricorn men. And now, you ruined it all sneaking around on your wife. We just wanna shake you.
Astrologers normally depict Capricorn men as heroic husbands and fathers, the zodiac’s man among men. Unknown to many, this clean-cut sign can also have a dark side. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, the planet of repression and challenges. There’s more behind the million-dollar smiles, the strong jaws, and the striking masculinity that makes women weak-kneed. Many Capricorn men are tortured souls who harbor strange fetishes or even lead a secret double life.
In fairness, there are many Caps who have dealt with their issues (or don’t have any), and they make devoted husbands and fathers. To these Goats we say, “Go forth and build your white picket fences! Spread your seed and multiply.” We ain’t talking ’bout you here, so don’t freak. We implore you, teach your signmates to fly right.
The guilty Goats of whom we speak are those who offer a ring when they really want a fling. Bound by duty, tradition and parent-pleasing pressure, they get hitched as fast a possible and create the picture-perfect family. Then, they do their dirty deeds on the side. Ugh!
But…why? Here are a few of our theories:
Trophy time. Capricorn is the sign of achievement, and these boys love a trophy. Unfortunately, many fall prey to “bottomless pit syndrome.” Like Tiger Woods, they foolishly believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fairway. They’re addicted to striving and competing, and can’t retire their lady-hunting ways. Even after marrying the “perfect” woman, they go after the young, naive or worshipful mistress.
• Addiction to longing. Capricorns want what they can’t have. This melancholy sign loves to stew in nostalgia. “She was the one who got away…” or “There will never be another one like her…” Of course, should this fantasy woman become a real romantic prospect, Cap-boy’s interest suddenly evaporates.
• Rebels without a clue. This world-weary sign feels the weight of duty on their shoulders. Family becomes a tiresome obligation from which the Goat must escape. Where better than the arms of a skankalicious mistress? Plus, this sign is born with inbred Catholic guilt, regardless of religion. Sin-and-repent. Rinse. Repeat. The Capricorn man gets a kinky thrill at defying the very morals and values he pretends to uphold.
• Closet kink. Some Caps need to act out kinky fantasies they’d never dare try at home with the wifey (we’ve heard it all, from cross-dressing to women’s shoe fetishes to dominatrix dungeons and “golden showers”).
• Sabotage. Another group of Caps suffers from a terminal case of pessimism/fatalism mixed with low self-esteem. This caustic combo leads them to screw up every good thing that comes into their lives.
And it ain’t just Tiger Woods tainting the good Goat name among celebs. Consider these famous Capricorn fellows as well:
* Jude Law: After divorcing Sadie Frost (with whom he has 3 children) on the grounds of his “unreasonable behavior,” he got engaged to Sienna Miller. Younger woman: check! Hot actress: check! Mission accomplished. Deploy…sabotage! Jude was caught in bed fooling around with his children’s nanny, Daisy Wright, ending the engagement.
* Nicolas Cage: Elvis-obsessed Cage completed his trophy collection with a marriage to Lisa-Marie Presley. After a mere 108 days, Cage filed for divorce out of the blue. He later married Alice Kim, a 20-year-old cocktail waitress half his age.
* R. Kelly: At 26, he illegally married 15-year-old R&B artist Aaliyah. Since then, he’s been accused of inappropriate relationships with other minors. Creeeepy.
* Mel Gibson: Days after his wife of 29 years filed for divorce, the father of 7 and controversial actor was romantically linked to Oksana Grigorieva, a Russian musician 14 years his junior. He denied an affair, but Oksie sure got pregnant fast.
We’re just sayin’!