An Ode to the Year of the Earth Dog by Our Poet Laureate

Editors’ Note: We are regularly delighted by one of our readers, U.K. performance poet Myke Kofi, who writes us the most stunning verses inspired by our horoscopes. Talk about flattering! Here, Myke shares his latest for the Year of the Earth Dog in Chinese astrology. Please join us in savoring this delightful piece from Astrostyle’s officially anointed Poet Laureate—a paean to the grounded Earth Dog that we hope will bring us all more harmony and stability in the year ahead. –Tali & Ophi

2018 horoscopes are herePin

An Ode to the Earth Dog: February 15, 2018-February 4, 2019 

Dedicated to the life and memories of Ophi’s beloved Seymour Edut (pictured above), RIP August 21, 2017

Woof, woof! Bark, bark!

Welcome Chinese New Year, Earth Dog!

Grounding and guarding us

Onwards and upwards thru’ Neptune’s fog.

No matter your Dogon tribe or gender, color or creed,

Select a Pedigree Chum® or an intriguing cross-breed. Labrapoodle anyone?

The time to speak up and out: got something to confess?

Scooping poop, cleaning up dog foul, the foul dog mess.

Like Hercules slaying Cerberus, Time’s up! Monstrous dirty dogs

Enough of wagging the #Handmaiden’s tale

‘cause the female of the species? Fiercely furrier than the male.

A sobering year forgoing wilful, wanton hubris;

Avoiding embalmment by dog-headed Anubis.

But a stellar year looking UP Canis major; dog-whistling in a Canis minor key.

Seriously get your glow on!

Shine binary dog stars: Sirius A and companion pup, Sirius B.

Calling out worldwide, hidden, inhumane animal cruelty;

Visiting a dog shelter? Donate one-time or in perpetuity.

Making no bones of contention, it’s a boon year for:

Dog handlers, dog trainers and deluxe spa dog grooming;

Multi-tasking dog walkers, dog-friendly biznesses booming.

Super-sleuthing curious night incidents of sneaky dog-napping;

Hush puppies. Listen up! Zen silence of claws and paws clapping.

Dial-A-Dog wash and (fe)male dog whisperers, anyone?

Woof, woof! Bark, bark!

Keenest hearing, the most sensitive nose,

Earth dogs grounding us: adopt the Child’s Pose.

Bird dog! Downward dog! Upward dog!

Easy to follow instructional dog yoga

Hello! canine guru. Namaste canine yoda.

Aquarius, Gemini, Libra: insatiably curious to know

“How much is that doggie in the window?”

B-School graduation? Finally, from Deputy to TOP dawg!

Take a brolly Mizz Molly borderline collie; it’s raining cats and dogs.

A breakthrough year for medical detection dogs,

Sniffing out early signs: benign tumors; possibly metastatic cancers.

Walking a yapping dog? Pattern stride check the Rhythm is a dancer.

A year nurturing abandoned, vulnerable dogs,

A year championing underrepresented #Underdogs.

We need to talk about “Pawternity leave”

Alas, farewell Seymour Edut for you we collectively grieve…

And for the dog tragically lost in space: Laika the Muscovite stray.

Beware of strays at the Doll+Dog café; cabal of ferocious ferals;

Just one bite could mean femme fatale attraction or rabies peril?

Rabid, barking “mad dog” Colonel Gaddafi,

Quarantined his harem the Dogs of War.

Harem scarem dogs: Doberman’s, pit-bulls and Rotweiler’s on tour.

Woof, woof! Sounding far worse than their Barkbelly® bite!

Keeping canine calm, territorial world, year-long dog-fight.

Forget dog-eared dogma. Decode Yiddish or some doggerel verse.

Feeling solo monopoly dog? 11/2 year meet-and-greet

your doppel-danger for better, for worse.

When Uranus transits Taurus:

more vocal allegations, unearthing revelations.

Sober and somber, blacking out the year’s velvet roped red carpets.

Yikes! Fashionista dogs in haute harness frocks;

But still rocking up glam slam: the dog’s bollocks.

Hounds-tooth silk tie or shearling dog-collar?

Labrapoodle skirts worth a pawful of dollars.

Seeking loyalty points? Consider earning the Dog’s Trust;

Pass this vital test with many treats, swooning for doggy lust.

Frisky dogs on heat? Spring feverish times,

Panting out of breath, tantric mantra:

Slow down, deep breath, doggy-style!

When Jupiter enters Sagittarius:

Obsessed Astrostyle peeps get ready!

Downward dog, side-plank, twist and shout:

Whaddayya mean Commissioner Jellybean:

Who let the dogs out?…

#Cosmic canines, faithful, loyal #pack animals.

Hercules slaying Cerberus. Elephantine dog Hannibal.

When Harry weds Meghan, serenaded her Her Majesty’s corgis;

Gershwin’s operatic dog duo, summertime aria, Bess and Porgy.

Meet Lula and Ziggy: adorable black cockapoos

Cartoon dogs: Buster, stupid, silly boxer and Scooby, Scooby Do!

Snoopy’s no.1 superfan? The Doggfather: Snoop Dogg.

Primped for Crufts: Best in show? Good boyyy/girrrl/dog, dog!

Cute #Office Dog Georgie the Shih Tzu

Online survey: who goes, who stays?

Simple happiness cure #Bring your dog to work days.

#NSFW Dark web Alert! #Watchdogs unleashed!

Police dogs jumping thru’ hoops, rallying tribes, rallying troops;

Caution: Patrol search & dog team. Sniffing for illegal drugs;

Sniffing out rotten odours. Praise vets for pets tending their lugs.

What’s up Barkbelly ® sighted R Kelly? Where is Doctor Who’s K-9?

You can’t beat Earth dog’s unconditional love requited that’s genuine.

Walkies Toto! Wizard of Oz dog. Yellow brick roading beyond Neptune’s fog.

Goldie the golden retriever, Superbowl mascot, dog wide receiver.

Lady Barber’s surrogate children: her consolation, her Yorkshire terriers.

Jarvis the cocker spaniel, common people, the more the merrier.

Brew dog®, Red dog® Winston Churchill’s Black dog.

British bulldogs: squashed faces lookalike mugs!

Cyndi Lauper singing with Gordy, her black pug.

Phwoarr! Morning glory? Dog breath and bristling whiskers;

No escaping “Brexit” is a dog’s breakfast and a dog’s dinner.

Must be a reason Astro peeps say: “Let sleeping dogs lie”

Let bygones be bygones, onwards and upwards, live and let die

Eclipsed in the doghouse, the dog days of summer.

Remarkable guide dogs leading the blind and partially-sighted;

Mountain rescue dogs, companion dogs consoling the broken-hearted.

At the end of the day, we can always depend

On our Earth dogs, our loyal four-legged friends.

Woof, woof! Bark, bark!

© Myke Kofi 2018

2018 is here: Are you ready to make the most of it? The AstroTwins’ 2018 Planetary Planners guide you through the whole year—your must-have map for love, money, health and more. Get yours now!

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The AstroTwins

Identical twin sisters Ophira and Tali Edut, known as The AstroTwins, are the founders of and the authors of multiple bestselling astrology books. Their horoscopes reach millions here and through their resident astrologer column at ELLE Magazine.