Dear Jennifer Aniston,

You have been the poster girl for “Unlucky in Love” for far too long. We can’t help but like you and think that this sucks. You’re genuine, sweet, and you also have boundaries. Even though the papz are tracking your every move, you’re not staging drama for the benefits of their flashbulbs. You love dogs, you do yoga, you’re friends with Oprah, and you’re nice to people. That bullshit about your parent’s divorce and your mom’s tell-all book? We just feel that you’re ready to move on…all the way.

So we were happy to read in People.com (the only *tabloid* we trust) that you spent your 41st birthday with the delectable Gerard Butler. He’s a Scorpio, you’re an Aquarius. It’s a combo that’s working quite well for Demi (Scorpio) and Ashton K (Aquarius), and we’ve been feeling some positive vibes there since you began shooting “The Bounty Hunter” with him. Spicy Scorpio energy is definitely more intense than your laid back Aquarius cool, but your receptors are all too ready for that electrifying jolt. Plus, we hear Scorpios are great in bed–and not just because he’s Gerard Butler.

We’re hoping this vacay wasn’t just a “friends getaway.” We’re hoping to hear news of benefits soon! This week, the Sun and loveplanet Venus are both in Aquarius. Saturday there will be a new moon in Aquarius as well. If there were ever a time to reinvent yourself as “She Who Laughs Last, Laughs Best,” this would be it. With that gnarly, braided beard Brad’s got going on these days, it’s pretty obvious that you’re upgrading.  Please provide at least a few details on Gerard’s “coordinates” for your loyal and hungry fans.

Yours Truly,
The AstroTwins

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Luscious, abundant Jupiter moves into Pisces on January 17, where it will be stationed for most of 2010 (save a sneak peak stint in Aries from June 7 til Sept 10). The jovial planet is happily at home in Pisces, the sign it co-rules along with Neptune. Jupiter is all about expansion, growth, taking chances, pushing beyond limits. PIsces rules the subconscious mind, dreams, poetry, music, spirituality, psychological healing, charitable efforts involving the arts, and all things fantasy-oriented.

Our advice? Embrace your inner Mermaid goddess! Delight in your imagination! Style yourself after your favorite mythical, mystical heroine. A chorus of Boticelli angels will sing the praises of anyone who dares to wear his or her soulful self on her sleeve.

I finally saw the movie “Precious” last week which only opened in Seattle on December 21st in ONE theater, grrr. (Get with the program, America!) I was moved to tears by the performances and the story itself. To me, Precious embodies so much of what Jupiter in Pisces will bring to light–from the raw pain of the plotline to  the thankfully un-Hollywood cast, to the impact the film’s acclaim will have on the movie industry at large.

Both Mo’Nique and Gabourey Sidibe are Jupiter-ruled women, born under the sign of Sagittarius. (Actually, so is Paula Patton, who plays the heroic teacher.) Makes me proud, being a Sag myself…and inspired to embrace my own curves with greater verve this year. I love this quote from Sidibe about her weight, which I read in Harper’s Bazaar, “It doesn’t make any sense to kill yourself, because who are you trying to be beautiful for? It’s a mind game, not a body game.”

This is Piscean power for sure–the zodiac’s Fish can surely work the mind games. Whether conventionally gorgeous on the surface or not, all the Fish I know seem to percolate with a deeply magical magnetism. It can kind of sneak up on you. One minute you’re casually chatting and the next, bam! You’re drowning in a pool of desire. Dating a Pisces can be a magic carpet ride to heaven–and hell, since SOME Pisces tend to be elusive about their relationship status. In my twenties, I was haplessly baited and hooked by a Fish boy whose “roommate” just so happened to be his wife. Wish he’d informed me of this BEFORE the romantic nighttime bike rides across the Brooklyn Bridge and the champagne picnic on the rooftop of my brownstone apartment. Still, I know and adore a few Pisces men who are capable of commitment; it just took them a while to get there.The Pisces women I know seem to have the opposite issue. They get sucked under by their own unwavering devotion and struggle to get out once they’re in. It’s not an easy energy to be in during the low tides, that’s for sure.

With these anecdotes in mind, we  will ALL need to pay extra care to setting guidelines and limits for ourselves this year. With Pisces blurring boundaries and Jupiter pushing us to grab more, more, more, the tendency towards excess could get a bit extreme. The Earth is still crying out for sustainability, after all. Since Pisces is a water sign,  we’ll need to pay extra care to our lakes and oceans in 2010. Long baths and wild salmon dinners should be appreciated as luxuries rather than an everyday norm. And, while it’s wonderful to explore our identities by pushing limits, we should also be aware of when this encroaches on other people’s space. Popping by our honey’s office in fishnets and fetishwear might cause more disruption than admiration. Spread that zeal to multiple outlets (including a charitable one) instead of drowning any one person or place in a tsunami of passion.

Once you get your sea legs, it should all be smooth sailing.

Bon voyage!
Tali

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News of Haiti’s devastating earthquake left the world shocked this week, and the troubled nation in utter despair. While no sense can possibly be made of this, we looked at the country’s chart — searching for any glimpse of hope or guidance. We were stunned to see a near-exact alignment between Haiti’s planets and destructive Pluto, violent Mars and challenging Saturn on this tragic day. Please know that we write this piece with the utmost respect for Haiti and regard for every loss.

Haiti’s Astrological Chart: A Portrait of Struggle & Reinvention
Haiti became independent on January 1, 1804, making it a Capricorn-ruled country. In Haiti’s chart, Pluto and Mars are at 3 degrees Capricorn, and Saturn is at 3 degrees Libra—forming a challenging “square” (45-degree angle). Pluto rules death and the underworld (including those plates beneath the earth), and the mythic Phoenix that rises from the ashes after destruction. Indeed, Haiti has regenerated, Pluto-style, from many natural and political disasters. When Pluto joins with Mars, this can mean violence, military conflict and deep-rooted psychological turbulence. With its history of coups, dictatorships and government corruption, Haiti is no stranger to such troubles.

Then there’s Saturn, which rules governments, structures (including buildings) and restriction. In Haiti’s chart, Saturn is in Libra, the sign of justice and balance. Whatever Saturn touches can undergo an uphill battle and a struggle to remain upright. The earthquake demolished universities, homes and hospitals to rubble. Saturn’s tense “square” angle with Mars and Pluto, shows that every time Haiti builds itself back up or a little peace takes root, violent and destructive forces may rise up to challenge it. Haiti must continuously struggle for strength and justice against great odds.

What Happened the Day of the Earthquake
On January 12th, the position of Pluto and Saturn in the current sky was a nearly exact mirror of Haiti’s natal chart. Both feature Pluto at 3 degrees Capricorn, and Saturn a single degree apart in Libra. You could call it a Pluto and Saturn return: Pluto hasn’t been in Capricorn since 1778. Saturn last visited Libra in the early 1980s. To have them both come together in these positions is a rare and random event which had disastrous repercussions for Haiti.

The overlap of these powerful planets with Haiti’s birth chart was literally world-shaking. Turbulent Pluto is in Capricorn, ruler of the earth, buildings and solid ground. The earth shook at a record 7.0, and people tragically still remain trapped. Saturn in democratic Libra is slowing down the delivery of “justice” and the relief process. This has been compounded by Mercury retrograde in Capricorn, which causes delayed travel.

Hope for Haiti’s Future?
So…can we find hope amid the tragedy? Do we dare ask? Haiti’s chart indicates that tragedy and conflict have been woven into its roots for centuries. January 15 is a solar eclipse in Capricorn—a new beginning even in the face of the unimaginable. Haiti’s Saturn in Libra has made it difficult for allies to support the country, but with Saturn touring Libra in the current sky, nations and people may rally like never before.

Ultimately, we will never make sense of what happened. How could we? Pluto’s work is always shrouded in shadows and mystery, and senseless death can’t be explained away by astrology, religion, or anything else. However, the power of prayer and positive intention will go far. At the very least, send light, love, and healing energy to Haiti.

Note: With Pluto’s shadow forces in effect, it’s no surprise that corrupt organizations are already creating Internet scams taking phony donations. Be careful. If you’d like to safely offer financial support, these are credible sources:
• The White House
• American Jewish World Service
• Doctors Without Borders

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What do you want to do with your life this year? Friday’s solar eclipse in Capricorn helps us set our 2010 intentions anew. Solar eclipses occur at the time of a new moon (while lunar eclipses correspond with full moons). While we won’t see the actual eclipse from this side of the planet, we can expect to feel its powerful energy.

This go ’round, the Sun and Moon will be perfectly aligned in Capricorn, the sign that rules career growth, the economy, big business, natural resources, and long-term goals and planning. Plant seeds in the garden of your most ambitious dreams and desires. Tend to them diligently and you could harvest quite the bumper crop near the full moon in Capricorn on June 26, 2010.

The fact that this new moon corresponds with a solar eclipse, brings an added oomph to the mix. The lights may go out on one opportunity (perhaps temporarily, perhaps not) so that we can turn our attention in a more enlivening direction. Don’t resist any “necessary losses” that come your way over the next thirty days. They may be a push from the universe to explore a different path.

There have been a series of eclipses touching through Capricorn since 2009, including one this past New Year’s Eve.  Pluto the transformer is slowly working its way through Capricorn for the next 14 years as well. On a global level, economic responsibility continues to be a large theme, with financial wake up calls hitting us by the day. Trying to live like “rugged individuals” in a world where the resources are so unequally divided is no longer possible. The ways we spend, save, and share our money may continue to change dramatically throughout the year.

For those who are fortunate enough to be living in abundance, this eclipse sounds the call of social responsibility. Our good friend was visiting his native Haiti just one day before the devastating earthquake struck. He’s directed us to this link for people wishing to contribute and help.

The path to abundance is not always a straight line. Should this eclipse send you into a spiral of sorts, buckle yourself in and embrace the mystical journey. Although we may know what we want, we don’t always know how to get there. Pay attention to the signs that are flashing. While a door may be closed, a window may be opened.

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This Monday, my sister Ophi and I were answering calls during our monthly Sirius Radio spot on “The Morning Jolt with Larry Flick.” There seems to be a theme among callers each month, and this time, questions were focused primarily around career and health. We’re not surprised, given that it’s New Year’s resolution time. Then, there’s the fact that the Sun, Pluto and Mercury retrograde are all stirring the pot in goal-oriented Capricorn.

You heard me right…Mercury is STILL retrograde–has been since right after Christmas and will be until January 16th. Mercury goes retrograde 3-4 times each year as it passes the Earth in its orbit. Like two trains passing at different speeds, there’s an illusion of one moving “backwards.” Think of Mercury’s passage the same way. During these three week spells, all things associated with the speedy planet seem to go in reverse.

Given that this retrograde is currently in Capricorn, you might want to ponder those 2010 resolutions before committing them to indelible ink. What worked for you last January might now be “soooo last decade.” Give your new direction the care and thought it deserves. A little Google-ing could explode into an intriguing trek down a new path.  Do your research–Mercury retrograde is all about detective work!

I myself was a devoted 3-4 times a week Bikram yoga addict when 2009 opened up. I had just moved from NYC, where the energy I absorbed from a subway system moving underneath my feet was best transmuted through the power of Bikram’s 26 postures. I especially loved the studio on the Lower East Side where the tattooed owner Tricia created a spunky, upbeat environment that felt like my personal community center.  As I adjusted to the definitively more mellow pace of Seattle, I’ve found it hard to keep up my former practice. The need for that intensity has subsided.  While I’m definitely craving a session in the sauna-like temperatures, I’m allowing myself to consider designing a new practice that mixes Bikram with Nia Dance and some outdoor exercise as well.

Later this afternoon, I’m meeting with my financial adviser to map out my 2010 budget. As a Sagittarius, economic foresight beyond two months into the future is a newly adopted habit I embraced last year. I’ll definitely be keeping THAT lesson from 2009, since the peace of mind budgeting has brought me is too vast to measure. I gained a healthy respect for money, which actually makes it easier to spend when I need to. The guilt and fear are fading to the background after tailing me for much of my adult life.

A powerful solar eclipse on January 15 (also in Capricorn) gives us added courage to take bold steps on our own behalf. As the saying goes, the only thing constant is change. So why not work on transforming your complaints into calls for action?

Our fabulous friend, life coach Lois Barth, taught us the power of creating mantras. It’s a powerful way to turn a proverbial frown upside down. Instead of telling myself, “I suck at managing money,” I now say, “I am empowering myself to understand my finances.” Rather than berating myself with “I’ve gotta get back to Bikram,” I say, “I am creating the an exercise program that works for me.” This subtle shift in mindset isn’t the only thing needed to motivate me into action, but it certainly reduces the energetic weight I’m hauling around.

We can’t ascend the ladder of success if we’re hauling a bunch of psychic baggage with us. I’m cleaning house before January 16th, when Mercury spins back into direct motion and puts its firepower back into our goals.

For more on surviving Mercury retro, here’s a lil’ article we wrote.

Yours in Reverse,

Tali

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This past weekend, I found myself sucked into the MTV wasteland of “Jersey Shore.”  Since moving to Seattle a year ago, I’ve been missing that East Coast slang, and hey, if it had to come from reality fame whores named Snooki, The Situation, and JWoww, well, I was willing to take it. Being as it was January 2nd and all (and perhaps the fact that Domino’s Pizza had yanked their ads), I was assaulted with commercial after commercial for home fitness equipment. The Bender Ball, created by a trainer with the convenient name of Leslee Bender, claimed to target the “extension” and the “flexion” of abs.

Flexion???

Call me a purist, but I’d rather learn the proper names for yoga asanas than figure out what on earth the word “flexion” means. Still, the wake up call of New Year’s wellness resolutions did not escape me. I, like most Americans am still dusting the Christmas cookie crumbs off my couch cushions (and the latke flakes too, Mom). I wouldn’t mind becoming a bit more acquainted with my core, especially now that the Sun and Mercury are in goal-oriented Capricorn. Then there’s a promising solar eclipse in Cap on January 15th–an  ideal time to commit to a healthier, earthier, and (dare I say) crunchier lifestyle.

The nice thing about living in Seattle is that there are lots of wonderful resources for anyone who wants to channel her inner hippie. Yoga studios are plentiful, offering chances to detox the system through deep stretching. I now know people who live on sustainable farms, just a ferry ride away from my downtown pad. My friend Carrie grows her own potatoes and makes soap with lavender she picks fresh from her farm. Stephanie, another enlightening new friend, is an impresario in the natural food world, defining what winds up on the shelves of a leading earth-conscious grocery store chain.

I admire this so, but haven’t been connected to my green thumb since working for my dad’s landscaping biz as a teen. My attempts to grow tomatoes this summer yielded a small crop; the basil not so much. I’m not a farmer, at least not now, but I’m learning that there’s power in making different choices. I often rib my sister Leora (fondly nicknamed “Reverend Raw”) for her zeal about raw foods and buying only organic produce. As I learn more and more about the damage that pesticides and non-organic farming does to the Earth’s soil and water, I find myself willing to spend a little more on my produce and meat. This is a privilege, at the moment, I recognize. Perhaps if the demand for consciously-farmed foods grows, the supply will also increase (and the prices hopefully will even out).

Heck, even Wal-Mart is catching onto the organic trend. I discovered this when watching the eye-opening documentary “Food, Inc.” I highly recommend renting it and checking out the website that’s rich with ideas and resources. With interviews from the authors of “The Omnivore’s Dilemma” and “Fast Food Nation,” it will definitely wake you up to making more conscious choices at the grocery store.

Reverend Raw herself sent me a great birthday gift, the book “Raw Food Life Force Energy” by Natalia Rose. While I find it hard to get as exuberant about a stalk of kale as the author does, it’s an upbeat and inspiring read. Who wouldn’t want to consume a leafy green when it’s compared to ingesting pure sunlight? The live enzymes still percolating in locally-grown produce, the chlorophyll siphoned in from the Sun.. I have to admit, my skin is looking pretty radiant since I started eating kale last week and replaced the sugar jar with a bottle of agave nectar. I even whipped up a dessert recipe from TheRawChef.com and it was damn tasty.
So here’s my plug for all things live, raw, and organic. For Sun Salutations and Down Dogs…wow, that earthy Capricorn energy has got me in its grips! While I have nothing against boot camp workouts (the diet industry is another story), I see no need to punish myself into “fitness” this New Year. My resolution is to be a conscious consumer. To understand the deeper meaning behind “you are what you eat.” While I don’t expect perfection, or to become BFFs with the macrobiotic Gwyneth Paltrow, I don’t want to blind myself to what I’m putting in my mouth or my grocery basket this year.

Yours in Crunch,

Tali

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A breakthrough into a new year — and a new life cycle — awaits us all this New Year’s Eve. The lunar eclipse on the Cancer/Capricorn axis rockets us into 2010 with an extra boost of decisiveness. Issues surrounding home, family, career, and long-term goals have percolated since June/July, and now they reach a partial turning point.

Lunar eclipses can rip things out of our grasp, or force an ending that opens a whole new byway. Make your New Year’s Eve mantra: Let it go. Releasing your grip on a situation will either make way for a better replacement, or allow it to be healed and returned to you in a purer, transformed state.

As the calendar turns, many of us will battle between head and heart—and the tension will be strong. Our romantic natures yearn for one outcome, while a stern inner voice admonishes us to be “sensible.” Why not have it all? This eclipse arrives to help us integrate mind and spirit, wisdom and wildness, passion and practicality.

Here’s what each sign specifically must learn to balance and integrate:

• Aries, Libra: Career + family, public + private lives
• Taurus, Scorpio: Common sense + higher wisdom; facts + faith
• Gemini, Sagittarius: Physical/material/animal nature + spirituality
• Cancer, Capricorn: Self + others; your needs + a partner’s
• Leo, Aquarius: Giving + receiving; controlling + trusting
• Virgo, Pisces: Love + friendship;  passion + playfulness

As for all the flurry about this being a blue moon? Not such a big deal, actually. (Although it’s cool icebreaker convo for awkward NYE party moments.) A blue moon means there’s a second full moon in the same month. This year, there was a Gemini full moon on December 2nd. Fun trivia, but don’t expect anyone to turn into a werewolf, unless you’ve got a bootleg copy of New Moon in the DVD player.

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Singing superstar Carrie Underwood announced her engagement publicly, ushering in news of happier romantic times for Pisces in general.We may see more bling on the ring fingers of Fish-girls in the coming months. The tide has turned…and it’s not a moment too soon.

From September 2005 until October 30, 2009, Pisces endured Saturn’s tour through their house of committed relationships. Saturn, in short, is an ass-kicker. It breaks you down and builds you up like a tough lovin’ personal trainer. Pisces are a notably romantic bunch, but not always known for having the firmest grip on reality. Harsh lessons were learned on the romantic battlefield, especially if denial was at play. Wake-up calls and broken engagements were plentiful for this sign over the past two years. Rihanna and Jennifer Love Hewitt are both Pisces. Need we say more?

The amorous waters are much friendlier in 2010. Saturn has moved on to Libra–a happier position for people born under any sign–and will be stationed there until October 6, 2012. Many Pisces will tie the knot under this cosmic spell or discover their definition of romantic bliss. The world in general is already on soulmate patrol. We’ve noticed lately that a number of relationships have been ending. These relationships were “satisfactory,” or “almost, but not quite The One.” We’ve also seen problems that were swept under the rug, blow up to mammoth proportions, forcing couples to DEAL already!

To our despairing  friends we offer much hope. While Saturn’s lessons may be seem harsh, this planet is only cruel to be kind.  To paraphrase Ms. Underwood…umm, “Saturn, take the wheel?”

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An interesting phenomenon happened this year: straight-people couplings went rather out of fashion. Harry Winston rings, Vera Wang gowns, bended-knee proposals…can you say boooooring? On top of that, the tanking economy made lavish weddings downright passe. Publishing giant Conde Nast even folded former cash cows Modern Bride and Elegant Bride magazines. Our own Brides.com column ended, and many of our friends chose quiet City Hall ceremonies over the chapel. Friends in the wedding industry (photographers, planners) reported their slowest years ever.

Why? Jupiter, planet of expansion, spent the year in Aquarius — the postmodern sign of social justice and revolution. Romantic Neptune traveled by its side, opening our minds and hearts to a new kind of love–and making all things traditional seem hopelessly outmoded. Bohemian Aquarius is one of the least conventionally romantic zodiac signs.

In Hollywood, romance between two vanilla heteros failed to captivate the tabloid-weary eye. The strongest couples seemed to be those who bypassed the whole marriage hoopla, like Brangelina. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. With Tiger Woods being the latest “role model” to make a sham of his vows, it all came to seem like a joke.

On the other hand, gay marriage become one of the year’s hottest issues. No surprise. Jupiter broke through our boundaries of what love “should” look like, forcing us to redefine those so-called rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Look who captured our gawker’s gaze in ‘09: Newlyweds Ellen and Portia. Train-wreck twosome Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. A liplock in Marie Claire between bisexual Drew Barrymore and her Whip It co-star Ellen Page. American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert, who capped off the year with a prime time televised same-sex smooch at the AMAs.

Aquarius is a political sign, and the wave rose in this arena, too. Celebs and civilians alike spoke out against Proposition 8, a California amendment that only recognized male-female unions. Beauty contestant Carrie Prejean jeopardized the Miss USA crown with controversial remarks against “opposite marriage.” (Granted, she’s an old-fashioned Taurus whose religious “values” preclude same-sex weddings…but they somehow didn’t rule out making pornographic sex tapes. Ten points to Team Rainbow for that hypocrisy.) Just today, Houston elected its first openly gay mayor, Annise Parker, making it the largest U.S. city ever to do so.

Will the trend continue? Yes…in a different way. On January 17th, 2010, Jupiter moves into romantic Pisces, scattering rose petals and lacy bits over everything again. 2010 will be a decidedly sappy year, making straight and gay folks alike yearn for old-fashioned romance. Fortunately, Jupiter will travel with radical Uranus (ruler of Aquarius) for much of 2009 — keeping the fires of social justice lit. We could all gain equal opportunity to be hopeless fools in love, getting our hearts smashed on the rocks, all sharing the mystical quest to understand the sacred enigma of partnership.

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It’s hard out there for a Goat. At least, this month it is. The last few days have brought all manner of miserable headlines for the Capricorn childrenz of the world. Leading the pack, of course, are the Capricorn-Capricorn couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegen. Apparently Tiger (or is it Lion? Cheetah?) can’t keeps his nine-irons in his bag: a fifth mistress has stepped forward with more stomach-turning claims.

Following close behind the billy goats gruff…
* Capricorn songwriter Alexa Ray Joel, daughter of Billy Joel, rushed to the hospital on Saturday for an attempted suicide by drug overdose

* Shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, a Capricorn, dropped from his record label.

* Cappy actress Sienna Miller cozies up to her adulterous ex, fellow Capricorn Jude Law (while engaged in ‘06, he cheated on her with his children’s nanny)

* Jessica Alba’s husband, Capricorn Cash Warren, allegedly shares a face-mashing kiss with Lindsay Lohan. Why, God, whyyyyyyy?

* The Huffington Post publishes way unflattering pics of anchorwoman Katie Couric “letting loose” on the dance floor. Come to think of it, she’s looking like a tigress herself…

The question begs itself: WTF???? Only the stars can make sense of this one. The Sun is in Sagittarius, which rules Capricorn’s 12th house of hidden enemies, secrets, scandals and addictions. Ever notice how the month before your birthday often sucks? You’re sleepy,  cranky and stuck carrying the world’s crap on your shoulders. You wax nostalgic for the past, and start pining for the ones who knew (and hurt) you when. Karma is a bitch, and like a bad mother-in-law, she often comes to visit when the Sun is in your 12th house. We all get it once a year.

So…paging Capricorns: keep your behavior above-board. With love-planet Venus also in Sagittarius and shocking Uranus in your third house of news and communication, the headlines are only getting nastier. May we suggest making like bears (not Tigers!) and hibernating until the Sun enters Capricorn on December 21st.

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